He knew his emotions swung
like a pendulum in an ever
widening arc, and that central
to the swings was the pit of fear
on the precipice of which
he found himself yet again.
Some days it was the fear of rejection,
that was a practiced reality for him
yet never less intensely painful.
Other days it was the fear of acceptance
for with that came the risk
of future rejection, or simply a fear
of something new and untried
which carried with it the risk
of failure, or worse still success
for he knew he could not cope with either.
So he struggled to suppress his
emotions, isolate himself from others,
isolate his heart from whatever imagined
wounds he might suffer, and yet
when he succeeded in such isolation
he feared being stuck forever in
a state of permanent alexithymia