lawyers

February 11, 2022

SUBSTITUTE

Language is becoming a poor substitute
although I have no word for what it is
that it is a poor substitute for at present.

I grabbed an organic banana
from the refrigerator this morning
and paused to wonder if there are
inorganic bananas somewhere.

My New York Times, as usual, offered
All The News That Is Fit To Print
but I really want to see the news
that is not fit to print, that’s the good stuff.

At least my yogurt was made, it claims,
from all natural ingredients, for that
did have me worried, I don’t wan to ingest
ingredients that are unnatural.

But my whole wheat bread came
with a stern warning as the lawyers
no doubt demanded, that it
shcockingly enough contained wheat.

February 9, 2022

WAITING IMPATIENTLY

Waiting rooms are usually somber.
That is true of most hospitals
and every mortuary.

It isn’t like we need
to be prepared for what
might happen next.

In the hospital the surgeon,
at the direction of lawyers,
has given us the worst case.

In the mortuary we are certain
the departed was no saint
so resurrection is out of the picture.

I’m not saying they should
be joyous or raucous, but
actually why not?

October 13, 2020

NEXT IN LINE

It was the moment they said, we picked you, that I knew they had not. They thought they had to say it. They knew they shouldn’t. I was the next gumball down the chute. You put in your nickel, move the lever and wait. Actually it wasn’t quite like that. If you don’t like the color or flavor of gumball, you throw it out or give it to someone else. Spend another nickel, simple. In adoption, there was no do over. In my case as well. Well there was, actually, but if you give one back, you don’t get another unless there was a really big and hidden problem. Read the fine print, the lawyers say, adoptees come with no warranty, and you take us as is. You wouldn’t buy a car that way, would you.

June 2, 2020

TUESDAY TRUTH: THE SPRATTS

I mean, seriously, did anyone really think that the Spratt marriage would ultimately last? Sure, the first couple of years were imagined bliss. And sure, their dietary desires did help them avoid almost all waste. But that big a difference, even if only seemingly in eating habits, foretells differences in other areas of life. He was a neatnik, she not so much. He didn’t mind, originally picking up after her, but after a dozen years, let’s face it, it got old. And she was tired of his comments about her diet. Sure, she had put on a few pounds of late, but that was part of aging. And really, she didn’t look that bad, not old and shrunken like he did. People in glass houses and all of that. And she was on the damned Keto diet, so at least she was trying. She knew it could not go on, so she reached out to an attorney. And it was the attorneys who picked their carcasses clean.

July 14, 2018

MORTALITY

Before you wish for immortality
carefully consider all the consequences.
It’s true you will avoid the fires of hell
and the lawyers and politicians who
make up a surprising portion of the populace,
but you’ll also never pass through the pearly gates,
to languish in the esteemed company
of poets and musicians who will,
at the drop of a request, regale you.
And those wars you so often decried,
you’ll have those of generations without end,
for the one skill mankind has mastered is war.
But worst of all, you must realize
that you will be subjected to an infinite
number of wait staffs gathered around
your table doing off-key but well intended
renditions of Happy Birthday to You
as other diners wish you had never been born.