In my dream last night I was moving a matress, queen sized, probably with box springs but it was wrapped, from my parents’ home to my apartment, but not using a vehicle, just pushing it along the streets, obeying all the traffic signals, using my turn indicators, although don’t ask why a mattress had turn lights, just accept that it did. It was arduous work, and I hoped I’d soon get to the hill that led down to my apartment, for it would make the end of the journey easier by far. Unfortunately I never did get there, I woke up first wondering what the dream meant. So if you can help me, I would greatly appreciate your insights, and you should definitely know it was a Serta Perfect Sleeper for I’m sure that makes a difference.
You are still there. You have a patience that I will not know in this lifetime. I know I can always find you, even though you never reach out to me except in my dreams. There I tell you my life story and you listen intently. You have no need to ask questions, knowing I will tell the whole story in due time, And time is one thing you have that I, increasingly, lack. So I’ll be back for another visit soon and you will be waiting for me, mother.
Arising into night the departing sun tangos away with its cloud, memories soon forgotten.
Other dancers take the stage, now a romance, now a war dance, feathers raised in prayer to unseen gods.
Night will soon bring its curtain across this stage, the avian casts’ final bows taken the theater will darken, awaiting another performance, a new script tomorrow, but for this solitary moment of frozen grace, it is we who write the conversation, our lines sung by actors who know only nature’s unrelenting song.
The giant spider in its black shroud sits irritated in the center of its web wishing it ever larger, demanding that others enter, become enthralled until it defines the parameters of the universe the spider imagines.
The giant spider silently seethes at the once gardener who, having tasted the forbidden fruit, has closed the screened door as he reluctantly departed the garden diminishing the web’s attraction.
The spider dreams of his new world, knows his old one, the simple web may be replaced, so he presses on spinning all his resources in the hope that others will come to accept his crafted reality as their own.
As a teenager, like so many others of our narrow minded, obsessed gender, I imagined myself a great lothario, girls on the edge of womanhood lining up for my attention.
The absurdity of that dream was lost on me and my peers, testosterone drowning it in a sea of hormones, and we were oblivious to the real obstacle always right in front of us, that we imagined love and sex in the first person only.
Now that youth and even middle age are behind me I still try to recall when I realized that love requires the second person singular, and my pleasure is complete only when my partner’s is as well.
I spent too much time looking backward, looking into the past, looking into the mirror to frame a dream history of my desires and fears. He called one morning, left a message, “Mother died, more details will follow.” A mother his by birth, mine by legal act. I should have felt stunned anger, I said quietly to myself he’s cocky, has issues, and went about momentary mourning. That is the psyche of the adoptee who was never family, always an adjunct. Later my antediluvian dreams gave way under a torrent of deoxyribonucleic acid rain. She who I imagined in the mirror took name, took shape from and old yearbook, offered a history, a family, a heritage. When I knelt at her grave she told me her story in hushed tones, or was it the breeze in the pines on the hill overlooking the Kanawha? I bid her farewell that day, placed a pebble on her headstone, stroked the cold marble and mourned an untouched mother.
My history is like an ill- sewn quilt, odd pieces of parents stitched loosely together, always ready to come apart, fade or be thrown away.
Perhaps my history is more like a beloved old pair of jeans, holes appear and are patched, patches wear out and are replaced, or the hole is just left, as if it were somehow a fashion statement.
There is little normal when you are adopted, loved perhaps, but always on the edge of being an outsider, and when that is repeated, the distance grows exponentially, until you find a birth parent or two and the holes are patched with dreams of what might have been.